woman on the virge

Colorado pics

2006-09-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

Back

2006-09-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back from CO and should post some pics! In short, it was a nice vacation and wonderful time spent with God. It was also beautiful there. Although I would have rather been staring at the ocean it was at least away from home. I'll catch this up when I get pic on here.

Finally a vacation

2006-08-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that I am finally going on vacation. We are headed to Colorado tomorrow for 11 days or so. I have pretty much used this blog to talk about my miscarriage, well it started out as my pregnancy. Anyways, I realize now that there are many emotions that my husband and I are not dealing with. I am hoping to spend some time while away to talk about that stuff. I love going to CO because we just camp. We have no agenda other than to relax! Although now that the in-laws have satellite we do take a few hours to watch NASCAR! Can't seem to catch a break from all of that other than in Dec and Jan. I plan on finishing some books. I also want to take some naps. What I really want to do is do some hiking and just sitting in God's great outdoors and soaking Him up. I really need this time. In other good news, I am done with my job!!! I have finally decided to step away and to go back to substitute teaching!!! I am so happy. I am praying so hard that I can get the swim coach job back too at the high school. I won't know anything until I get back though.

I am losing it

2006-08-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those who read! I think after having 2 miscarriages this year I finally realize that yes, I'm losing it! I have been so moody lately and I just can't figure out why. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't really deal with stuff, ie the miscarriages. I never really allowed myself to feel and be present in the moments. I have to fix this! I'm going on vacation in a few days, YES, and I'm hoping to be albe to really sit in all that has happened. Hopefully my family will let me have some me time! Oh, and the sleep will be grand as well. Last year when we went I woke up to my husband feeding a chipmunk. He was so cute, the chipmunk! I got up and started to feed him too. His little belly had to be exploding like after thanksgiving dinner. I finally got him to eat out of my hand. That was quite possibly one of the neatest experiences I've had!!!

Still Around

2006-07-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

Well I am still around. I really don't think anyone read this but I will humor myself!!! I am still waiting to be a mother. I know it will happen when God sees it as the perfect timing. Besides if we have triplets again than we need to be prepared!

I am starting to write my life story. I have wanted to do this my entire life. Even when I was a little girl. I have to admit that I'm a writer at heart and there is something about the act that just gets my blood pumping! It's like a runner going out in the morning to run the city, it is exhilerating:) So I really need to spend some time doing that. I really think I need to rethink my time schedule anyways. I waste so much of it on nonsense. Maybe that is why my life has become so numb? Well that is what I'm working on right now. I'm always trying to work on something to better myself. That is one thing that I am proud of. Now if I can only commit to seeing those things through!

Still waiting

2006-05-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well there is nothing that I can do now but wait. I met with an ob/gyn yesterday and that was awesome. She made me feel much more comfortable than my last dr. I'm glad that we will be going to her. It is a half an hour away but well worth it. She made me feel comfortable and less scared of trying again. She did tell me that if I was to get pregnant with triplets again that they can't take care of that here or there with her. I'd have to go an hour away to the only dr for miles who deals with that high of risk pregnancy. She also said that it would be lots of bed rest! I'm ready to do whatever God is willing to give me. I just sit now waiting.......

I want to be a mom!!!

2006-04-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

So I've been waiting my whole life to be a mother, and yet I still find myself waiting. It's so hard. It's like when you want something so bad and you just can't have it. Everything I do my kids go away. I've lost them all, mostly anyways. Maybe I'll get back at the pool this summer, that is moundridge, and get some new kids. I miss it! I made an appointment with a specialist so I'm excited about meeting with her. I have mourned and I'm ready to move on. I still get sad though but I want to continue on. Being a mother is the only thing I've ever wanted to do and it's so hard waiting when I'm finally ready. It hurts. God is holding me though.

The plan

2006-04-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to come up with a new plan that does not involve triplets in October. That is really hard for me. Unfortunately I have to. My job is only temp and I have to make plans for what is next. It will go until fall which would have been perfect. Now, not so. I could work at the pool this summer but less pay, more smiles! Either way I have to come up with something that does not involve me being a mom in the fall. That is just too much to think about.

Job change?

2006-04-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have a possible job change coming up! Can we shout, "YES!" I sort of have been offered to assitant manage a pool at a small town nearby. It is not for sure or anything though. The other is a job that I'm applying for at the place I work now. Right now I'm just temporary and all I do is file papers. BORING! The position opening up is for Communications Specialist. I love this kind of stuff. This would be right up my ally. Not sure I will get it because I'm "young" and don't have much experience but it would be great. If I don't get it then I want the job at the pool. This job now sucks! The only bad thing about the pool is that it is only for the summer. The only bad thing about the other job is that it's at the same place I'm at. So something to look forward to at least.

2006-04-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well I had a miscarriage last night so we won't be having triplets this fall.

Falling back

2006-03-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

Hey Yeah…I'm feeling tired
My time, is gone today
You flirt with suicide
Sometimes, that's ok
Do what others say
I'm here, standing hollow
Falling away from me
Falling away from me

Today…It’s still fading
That's when I’m enslaved
I flirt with suicide
Sometimes kill the pain
I can always say,”
It's gonna be better tomorrow”
Falling away from me
Falling away from me

Beating me down…
Beating me…
Beating me down…
Down… Into the ground

Screaming so sound…
Beating me…
Beating me down…
Down… Into the ground

(Falling away from me)
It's spinning round and round
(Falling away from me)
It's lost and can't be found
(Falling away from me)
It's spinning round and round
(Falling away from me)

Slow it down
Beating me down…
Beating me…
Beating me down…
Down… Into the ground
Screaming so sound…
Beating me…
Beating me down…
Down… Into the ground

Fears in me
They won't go away
So I pray
Go away

Life’s falling away from me
It's falling away from me
Life’s falling away from me

2006-03-24T06:29:00.000-08:00

Pregnant?

2006-03-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

To fill everyone in......I found out I was pregnant, yeah, but was having some bleeding problems. So I went in for a sonogram and they saw 3 sacs! The odds of spontaneous triplets was not in any text books, it's very uncommon. My counts were not as high as they liked so I had another sonogram yesterday. They did not see any activity and are suspecting a blighted ovum. Basically they said the the babies stopped developing. They prepared me for a miscarriage. We are still praying for a miracle though. God already gave us a miracle with 3 so we are praying that he gets them growing!!! I wanted to wait until we saw them to tell everyone and recieve all the hugs and congrats but these are extenuating circumstances. We need all the prayers we can get as we wait this thing out to see what happens.

Tests

2006-03-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

I go in tomorrow morning for some bloodwork. I'm excited and nervous and all kinds of things!!! Please pray that God create in me a miracle and he watch over my health!

Waking up and listening to Queen

2006-03-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

Well I woke up on the good side of the bed! I am ready to go to another day of work. Not looking forward to it but it will pass. I am figuring out this blog stuff and have a few more people to add to my list so I can keep up with them. My little one, the dog, finally crashed and is not getting into trouble. What a peaceful moment!!! I received an email from a friend with verses on Baptism. I had asked her if she could give me some information. I have been a Christian now for many years but have never been baptised. If anybody has any comments to leave me about that subject it would be greatly appreciated. I plan on spending an evening in front of the TV and turning my brain off. It has been working overtime lately and the anxiety attacks have not been cool. Have a blessed day!

I think I have this figured out

2006-03-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to get this now! If I could just figure out how to find my friends blogs easier than having to type them in each time. Any suggestions? There are a few people I know of that I would like to keep up with.

Kid at Heart!!!

2006-03-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

That's me last summer at the company picnic! It was a bungee for kids but I was fortunate to not be over the weight limit. It was a blast. Although my age was coming through because I could not jump for long before I started to feel sick.

PC

2006-03-03T12:26:00.000-08:00

I don't have a mac so it should be easy huh?

Well we have had a long week. We spent last weekend on the road helping some friends move from MN to IA and then we headed back to KS where we live. I think I figured out that we spent 35 hours in the truck. Then Wed we went to KC to a concert, INXS! That was really great! We spent the night at my husband's cousin's house. I stayed up until 3 and they stayed up until 4:30am!!! It was great!

Yeah it's March! We got back from -19 degrees in MN to 80 degrees here in KS. That is odd but it feels good!

Still Tryin

2006-03-01T07:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm still trying to keep up with all these blogs. I really want to start one here though because of all the ladies from the generous wife forum have a blog here. I would like to add your blogs as blogs that I read but not sure how to do that. I'm getting the hang of it otherwise.

What is going on in my life right now? We just got back from MN. We helped some friends move from MN to IA and then we headed back to KS on monday. Long weekend! Tonight we are headed back on the road to the INXS concert! Should be good!

I haven't spent enough time with the Lord lately. Gotta get back to the source!!!

So different

2006-02-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

So I have a xanga and I just can't seem to figure out this blogger stuff yet. I want to add some others blogs to my list but I could barely figure out how to add a new entry! Holy Cow! Can anyone give me some quick tips to being a member of this blogger community?

2006-02-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

I think I have enough blogs so I might not update in this much.